Fissures
by Sorrel
Summary: CollegeFuturefic. Lex ends things with Clark, and Clark spends the next year of “being friends” sliding further and further into selfdestruction. Lex is the only one who can pull him out, but will he? ClarkLex SLASH.


**Fissures.**

Lex hesitated outside of the closed door to Clark's dorm room. Not too long ago he would have felt perfectly comfortable just walking in, but, well, things were different now.

He knocked.

Clark answered half a second later, wearing only a pair of well-worn blue jeans. Lex tried not to stare too obviously, but Clark had obviously just gotten out of the shower, and his hair was curled and dripping little droplets of water down his neck that were rolling across his chest…

Then Lex remembered why he was here, and why he wasn't _allowed_ to look at Clark like that anymore. If he'd had any trouble remembering, Clark's deeply unhappy expression would have reminded him.

"Lex," Clark said, his voice sounding even more displeased than his expression, which Lex would have thought impossible. "What are you doing here?"

"You wouldn't really talk to me," Lex said. "Even through email. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay."

"And you didn't pick up a _hint_ from the way I wasn't talking to you?" Clark said, disgusted. "It didn't occur to you that it was maybe because I didn't _want_ to talk to you?"

Lex flinched, and tried not to make it visible. From the way the corners of Clark's mouth tightened, he was pretty sure he hadn't succeeded. "I guess this wasn't really a good idea."

"You think?" Clark demanded sarcastically, then sighed and ran one hand through his hair in a classic Clark gesture of frustration. "Look. You broke up with me, remember? It was _your_ idea to cool things off, maybe not even see each other for a while."

"I know, I just… I just didn't expect to not hear from you at all." Lex knew he sounded forlorn, but he couldn't help it. "We were best friends. I miss that."

Clark swallowed, and someone much more oblivious than Lex, much less devoted to watching Clark's every move, would have seen the pain in his expression. "That was before," Clark said. "You can't sleep with someone, be in a relationship with someone, and then break it off and expect that it will just snap back to the way it was before. It'll take time, if it ever happens at all."

Now Lex is the one swallowing against pain. Never have Clark again? Never have his smiles and complicatedly simple worldview and trust? He hadn't even considered that possibility, but then again he'd also vastly underestimated how much he hurt Clark. "I'm sorry. I'll just… go."

"Probably a good idea," Clark said, his eyes soft and unyielding at the same time, and Lex nodded dumbly, once, before Clark closed the door in his face and he let the tears fall.

He couldn't concentrate at work. Another side effect that he hadn't been expecting, but then, there were all sorts of things he hadn't predicted. He hadn't realized that he'd take hours to fall asleep, sleep only fitfully and wake up reaching for a body that wasn't there.

He hadn't realized how empty his bed would feel or how quiet his apartment would be. Clark had never lived there, but he'd been there more often than not, and Lex hadn't even noticed all the tiny noises and signs of inhabitation that Clark had left until they were no longer there. His coffee table looked empty without textbooks scattered across it, and there was no longer any sugary kids' cereal in his kitchen cabinet, which he'd never in a million years thought that he'd miss, but he found himself drifting towards them in the cereal isle in the grocery store.

It seemed like there were reminders of Clark everywhere, but with enough effort he managed to ignore them and focus on his ambitions. He'd sacrificed Clark for them, after all, so he was going to make damn sure he got what he'd wanted ever since he was a child- the world in the palm of his hand. There was talk of him running for mayor, which never would have occurred if Clark had actually moved in with him like Clark had been hinting.

He'd succeed. He had to. It wouldn't be worth it, otherwise.

The invitation came as something as a surprise to Lex. Not just the fact that he got one, but also the fact that it came along with a personal phone call from the birthday girl.

"Lex, it's just one weekend. I already called and checked with your secretary, and you don't have anything planned then anyway." Lana's voice was warm and persuasive, and Lex found himself actually considering agreeing.

Except for one thing. "Will he be there?"

No need to elaborate on who "he" was. "Yes, Clark will be there," Lana said. Lex swallowed.

"It would probably be a good idea if I stayed away, then."

"You two still aren't talking?" Lana sounded sympathetic, but she also sounded firm. "Lex, you can't let that stand in your way. Even if you two can't patch things up, you still need to face each other." When he didn't answer, she added, "Lex, it's time to come home."

And somehow, he found himself agreeing, and three weeks later he was packing his bags and wondering what the hell he thought he was doing.

Smallville didn't look any different than Lex remembered. The Talon was much the same, though probably some minor pieces of furniture had been moved around some. It was crowded, filled with students here for the 21st birthday of Smallville's brand of royalty, and Lana was at the center of it all, laughing and smiling.

She extracted herself when she saw Lex standing in the doorway, and came over to give him a hug and kiss on the cheek. "I'm glad you're here, Lex. Come over and join the crowd."

He declined with a smile and settled down at one of the tables at the back. It wasn't until he'd been there for a full five minutes that he realized that it was his and Clark's table, the one they'd always sat at back in Clark's high school years, when they would drink coffee and smile and talk and make promises to each other with their eyes that wouldn't be fulfilled for another couple of years.

The memory made Lex sad, but he wasn't so lost in it that he didn't notice the arrival of another party member. Clark looked good, better than Lex remembered, and though it could be the months of separation talking, Lex didn't think so. Clark had discovered clothes not made of flannel in his freshman year of college, and he was currently dressed in comfortable black jeans and a forest green sweater that brought out his eyes behind the glasses that were pure camouflage. His hair was mussed, as always, and there was a smile on his face, but as Clark turned his cheek to be kissed by Lana, Lex saw tiredness on his face, etched in lines that shouldn't exist on skin that couldn't be harmed. Lex's heart twisted, but he ignored it with the ease of months of careful practice and just took a sip of his coffee.

The motion caught Clark's eye, and when Clark turned to him and saw him for what was obviously the first time, Lex saw shock there and winced. Lana had warned him that Clark would be here, and he'd had time to prepare, but she obviously hadn't done the same for Clark. The shock faded to sadness, then weary resignation, and then iced over into false indifference before Clark turned away and replied to Lana like nothing had happened, even though everyone knew better.

They managed to avoid each other for the rest of the day, but thanks to what Lex realized was blatant manipulation on Lana's part they were seated next to each during dinner. They didn't say a word to each other throughout the torturously long meal, but afterwards everyone drifted away and Lex found himself alone in the room with Clark.

Clark who was obviously unhappy to be there and contemplating bolting to the other room, but for some reason was still there. Lex took this as a sign and said, very cautiously, "Clark. It's good to see you."

"Yeah," Clark said, his voice sounding suspiciously tight. "You too."

"Um." Lex was unaccountably at a loss for words, but then again, this was _Clark_ If anyone could do this to him, it was Clark. "So. Lana looks good, doesn't she?"

"Yeah," Clark said. "She looks happy."

"I think she is," Lex said, and then just gave up on this inane parody of a conversation. If this was going to be his only chance to talk to Clark, he was at least going to make it count. "Look, Clark. I meant it back then. I really do want to be your friend again."

"I know you do," Clark said, still not looking at him.

"Do you think enough time has passed?" Lex asked, trying not to appear too eager. "To try again, I mean."

"I think so," Clark said, looking back at him again. He seemed happy and at ease, but then Clark had always been able to lie with his eyes. There was no doubt in Lex's mind that he was actually pretty far from happy, but he couldn't actually call Clark on it. Clark was making an effort, and so he would do the same.

"That's good," Lex said, unable to prevent the smile that broke out on his face. "Um. Do you still have my phone number?"

"I remember," Clark said, and Lex hid his reaction to that. How stupid. Clark never forgot anything that mattered to him, and Clark was the best liar that Lex had ever met, but Lex knew him well enough to know that he still mattered to Clark.

"Good," he said. "Good." He made a concentrated effort to say something even slightly intelligent. "You want to join the others?"

Clark gave him a warm, slightly vague smile that would have fooled anyone but him. "Sure, Lex."

He and Clark talked on the phone every couple of days for a while after that. At first the phone calls were short, awkward, filled with empty silences where once endearments would have gone and uncomfortable pauses where one or the other of them tripped over themselves to keep from mentioning some shared memory that wasn't okay to talk about anymore. But gradually they relaxed and started talking like they were best friends again, comfortable enough that even when they met in person for the first time there was only one moment of discomfort between them before they slid easily into the patterns they'd established over the phone.

Clark was there, with a smile and a bottle of wine in his hand, when Lex was asked, very casually, if he'd ever considered running for mayor. And Lex was there to take him out to dinner when Clark won several prizes for a particularly brilliant article on possibilities for rehabilitation in Suicide Slums. They smiled and grinned and even laughed, but Lex wasn't fooled. Clark wasn't happy. Clark wasn't happy at all.

It was there in his eyes when he thought Lex wasn't watching. The tired, longing look that Lex wished he wasn't so familiar with. But he'd seen it on Clark too many times not to recognize it, and the lines that had become permanently embedded around Clark's eyes were a hint in and of themselves. Lex could read between the lines, and he knew that Clark wasn't sleeping, at all. Clark had told him about it shortly after revealing his alien origins, so many years ago.

"I was so upset over Lana after she broke up with me," Clark had said with a laugh, pulling Lex closer to his chest. "I didn't sleep for two months. Mom said I started to look tired right around then, and I finally snapped out of it." Clark had grinned and kissed the top of Lex's head. "Weird feeling, not sleeping for so long. I don't think I could do it unless I got my heart broken again."

"Not going to happen," Lex had said, rolling them over until he was straddling Clark's thighs. Clark had smiled up at him, gentle and sweet.

"I know," he'd murmured, kissing Lex's mouth, so close to his. "I trust you."

Lex remembered the time that Clark had referred to, and he remembered that the worst signs of tiredness that Clark got were some faint shadows under his eyes. Nothing as bad as what was showing now, and it was a telling sign that even the happy spring sunshine didn't perk him up.

Lex didn't know what to do to fix things, or if there even was anything that he could do, so he just pretended he didn't notice and smiled as much as Clark.

Finals loomed, but despite them Clark had just as much time for Lex as before. Lex knew that Clark wasn't even bothering to study, and why should he? He could remember everything he'd ever learned without trying, so there was no point in review.

Reports on Clark flew in thick and fast in those final weeks, and Lex hurt for Clark, who was driving himself so hard. Clark spent his nights patrolling Suicide Slums and stopping crimes, and his days in the same place, volunteering with every organization that would take him. In his spare moments Clark worked on his final article for the _MetU Gazette_, which was being considered for front-page placement by the _Daily Planet._ Clark would be starting there as soon as he graduated from college, and he was determined that his pioneer article, if it was indeed picked up, would be absolutely perfect.

The only break that Clark took from his driving need to do everything all at once and _right,_ was when Lex called him. Clark would drop everything to talk to him, or to come over and see him, and Lex would say nothing about Clark's behavior because they were friends, yes, maybe even best friends again, but some things he just didn't have the right to talk about. Clark would have protested this if Lex had ever said as much to him, but Lex knew that he'd given up a lot with Clark, and the one way to have everything again was a path he wasn't willing to take.

But even with Clark back in his life, his apartment was too quiet, and his bed was too empty, and there was nothing he could do.

Clark graduated with honors as the only student in MetU history to get perfect scores on all of his final exams. Lex made another ten million dollars on a business deal that was quite brilliant, if he did say so himself. Clark's article, a thought-provoking piece on the nature of poverty and crime and what could be done to change things, ran on the front page of the _MetU Gazette_ and the _Daily Planet._ People talked about it for weeks, and Lex, in honor of his accomplishment, set up the Kent Fund for the rehabilitation of troubled teens and donated all ten million to it. Clark smiled at him when he heard the news, and Lex smiled back, and it was all so very _friendly._ Afterwards Lex went home and got very drunk, and astronomers the next night reported odd new craters on the face of the moon.

Clark went MIA for the next week, and Lex found himself worried sick about him. But Clark came back, looking even more drawn and tired, and all he would say was that he needed time to think. Lex suspected that Clark had gone to the Fortress, but even he couldn't figure out a way to get surveillance on Clark there, so he had to just nod and accept it and not ask the questions that burned at the back of his throat- why had Clark disappeared like that, what was he thinking about, what had changed.

Because it was apparent something had. Clark started work at the _Daily Planet_ with his old housemate-slash-enemy, Lois Lane, as his partner. The articles that the two published were well-researched, detailed, and every word burned with a passion that Clark had ceased to express in words and voice and expression. Lex would have though that the writing was Lois' influence, except that he noticed Clark driving himself even harder than before, which Lex would have previously thought impossible. Something was haunting Clark, and Lex couldn't fix it, couldn't even ask him what was wrong, because despite the fact that Clark always had all the time in the world for him, Clark was never really there.

Lex started losing sleep at night, worrying about Clark. He was sure he wasn't alone in his concern, as Clark's parents certainly would have noticed the changes in their son. But Lex would crawl into bed and then lay there in the dark with his eyes open, worrying over Clark, wondering if tonight was the night that his insatiable need to fix everything in the world but himself would finally get him killed.

Everyone these days knew about The Guardian, the shadowy figure that patrolled Metropolis streets and did impossible things to stop crime. Clark had become the talk of the town and no one even knew his name, but Lex knew that if Clark didn't slow down, it was just a matter of time. No one, not even Clark, could hide forever.

They probably would have gone on like this forever, Clark very deliberately grinding himself into nothing and Lex sitting on the sidelines wanting to fix him but unable to do so without stepping over any of his self-imposed lines, if Chloe hadn't come to town.

She stayed in Clark's rundown apartment on the edge of Suicide Slums and it took two days for word to get out that the little blonde reporter from Gotham wasn't to be touched unless you wanted to deal with The Guardian. A day after that, she showed up at Lex's apartment, _sans_ Clark, and had a very pleasant dinner during which she very expertly grilled him and extracted all the relevant information about Clark. During dessert, she sipped at her wine and informed him that Martha had sent Chloe in to see if she could help Clark. Clark hadn't been told of this objective, probably, but Lex was fairly sure that Clark was already aware of it and just didn't care.

After the dessert plates had been cleared away, she wandered into the living room, a very expensive herbal cigarette in one hand and her cell phone in the other. He didn't follow her, since she'd made it clear enough that this was to be a private conversation, but he could infer from their earlier conversation and her tone of voice that she was talking to Clark.

She called for him to come in a minute later, and when he entered the room she was seated in one of the overstuffed armchairs, smoking her cigarette and smiling smugly. "He'll be here in a minute," was all she said, and all Lex could do was stare at her and marvel at the fact that not only did she clearly know Clark's secret- probably had for as long or longer than he had- but that she also was able to manipulate him like a puppeteer with all the strings in her hand. Lex gave her the short bow of recognition that that piece of masterwork deserved and then sat down to wait for Clark.

He was exiled back to his own kitchen when Clark arrived, as Chloe once again made it clear that this was to be a private conversation. He waited patiently, more than willing to leave the whole matter in her more than capable hands, but when he heard the harsh sounds of sobbing, he bolted for the living room.

Clark was crumpled on the floor, his forehead pressed against Chloe's thighs, his entire body shaking with the force of his tears. Lex shot a panicked glance at Chloe, but she just shook her head, tight-lipped, and freed one hand from her soothing grip in Clark's dark hair to gesture that he'd better get his ass over here, _now._

He advanced cautiously across the room, then knelt down next to Clark. The first gentle touch on his shoulder caused Clark to shy away, as he'd shied away from every single point of physical contact with Lex for months, but Lex persisted and eventually Clark melted into the touch, leaning towards Lex with something like magnetic attraction as his heaving breaths slowed.

Lex sat there, stroking Clark's shoulder with one uncertain hand, for a long time. Even longer before he looked up and realized that Chloe had left the two of them alone.

"Clark?" he said, very hesitantly. All was quiet in the apartment, and Clark's anguish had faded, but Lex had no doubt that it was still there, and he knew that he needed to step carefully. "Clark, are you… okay?"

Clark lifted his head slowly, seemed to realize where he was, and then very methodically removed himself first from Lex's touch, and then from Lex's personal space. Lex told himself that he didn't mourn the loss.

"I'm fine," Clark said, and when that got him a disbelieving look the corner of his mouth quirked up in the closest thing to a smile Lex had seen in weeks and he added, "Well, better, anyway."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

All traces of a smile disappeared as Clark's face closed in on itself once more. "No."

Lex ignored that and continued. "Because I need to know that you're not going to keep going like this. That you're not going to drive yourself into the ground over whatever it is that's bothering you." Not that he didn't know, but this way they were both allowed to pretend.

"I won't," Clark said. He must have seen Lex's skeptical grimace, because he said, "I promised Chloe, Lex. I'll slow down."

Lex wanted to demand a similar promise from Clark, to doubly bind him against further self-inflicted harm, but he knew that his request would be met with silence. Clark never made a promise that he knew he couldn't keep, and he never bound himself to someone he didn't trust. Lex wasn't sure if he quite fell in that category, but either way he'd given up that right long ago, and he wasn't going to demand it back now, when he had nothing to give in return.

So he gave in. "Alright," he said. "If you promised. And you'll keep it."

"I always keep my promises," Clark said, a glint of anger in his eyes, and Lex held up his hands.

"I wasn't trying to say otherwise," he said, and Clark nodded, subsiding.

They sat in silence for perhaps another minute, both of them feeling progressively more awkward, before Clark got to his feet. "I have to go," he said, shaking his hair out of his eyes. "I'll talk to you later."

He was gone in a blur of dark color before Lex could say anything, and the apartment seemed darker and emptier without him in it. Lex ached in ways he couldn't define, and he knew, somewhere deep inside of him in the same way that he knew Clark would find a way around his promise to Chloe, that they couldn't keep going like this. Eventually, something was going to break.

Whether it was going to be him or Clark was yet to be determined.

Clark did manage to find a way around his promise to Chloe. His crime-fighting patrol of Metropolis did slow down, though Lex knew that Clark wasn't actually sleeping at night. Instead, he would go out and lose himself in the underground club scene, and more nights than not he brought someone home with him. Lex had drawn some limits in his obsession with Clark, and so there was no surveillance in Clark's apartment. Lex wasn't sure if he was relieved or not that he would never see any footage of Clark fucking someone else.

The exhaustion that hung over Clark like a dark cloud deepened and became even more visible. The skin on his face tightened over his bones, leaving him looking drawn and wan, and his normally golden skin gave way to an unhealthy pallor. He had promised Chloe that he would slow down and stop working so hard and he kept his promise, but for someone like Clark, who was grieving so intensely, it wasn't hard to find another self-destructive game. Lex remembered perfectly well the concept of sex as a weapon, especially against yourself, and his heart ached for Clark, reduced to that.

By him.

They had reached the breaking point, and it was Clark that was cracking up. Lex wanted to reach out to him, to try and bridge the thousand-mile gap that yawned between them, no matter how much they stood side-by-side, but he couldn't. There was too much at stake, and he'd gone too far to turn back now. He'd given up Clark for his ambitions, and he was so close to achieving that first, all-important step that he could taste it.

He couldn't stop now. Not even for Clark.

Anyone else would have had trouble sitting still and showing nothing on their face upon receiving this news, but Lex wasn't anyone else. His poker face had been tempered in the fires of Lionel's unique parenting style and had seen a lot of practice in the last six months with Clark, and so he just sat there with a small smile as the Senator told him that he had just achieved what he'd been working towards for years.

"Lex, you know that there's been talk of you running for mayor. Truth is, you're everyone's top choice, so today we decided to make things official. I was asked to ask you, officially speaking, if you would accept the mayoral candidacy for the city of Metropolis."

The Senator's face was open, expectant. He never expected Lex to say anything but yes. And why should he? Lex had worked so very hard for that moment, after all. Given up so many things.

Given up Clark.

"I-" he started, but the words wouldn't come. _I would love to accept,_ he tried to say, but his throat had closed up. He was silent. The Senator gave him an odd look, but was still smiling expectantly. Probably thought that he was choked up with emotion at the thought of finally reaching this achievement.

He was choked up alright, but not with anything resembling happiness. See, the thing was, he knew Clark. And he knew that the moment he told Clark that he was running for Mayor would be the moment that he lost Clark forever. Lost his best friend, his only friend, the most amazing person he'd ever met and the most important person in his life.

The most important _anything_ in his life, and how could he have missed this? How could he have possibly deluded himself into thinking that Clark was less than everything to him? How could he have thought, for even a moment, that he wasn't in love?

"I'm afraid, Senator, that I'm going to have to decline," he said, his voice strong and sure. The Senator's expression slid from expectant into puzzled and then into a dark frown when Lex didn't immediately recant his statement.

"What?" he asked incredulously, probably not realizing how stupid he sounded. "Lex, it's what you've been working for since-"

"I know," Lex interrupted. "But a man is allowed to change his mind, isn't he?"

Lex enjoyed the hell out of the incomprehension on the man's face, and offered him his smoothest smile as a reward. "And I'm terribly sorry, but I have to go. There's someone I have to see."

He walked out of the office with a smile on his face and a bounce in his step that hadn't been there for over a year.

Clark was in his apartment. Lex knew this, because Clark was always in his apartment at this hour of the evening, usually getting ready for another night of dancing and debauchery. Lex knocked on the door, heart in his mouth, and hoped like hell Clark wouldn't answer it naked like he did that one time.

Clark opened the door seconds later, and thankfully for Lex's blood pressure, wasn't naked. He was wearing a pair of clinging leather pants instead, no shirt, and it was like a flashback to that horrible night at Clark's dorm room when Lex hadn't understood, except Clark was smiling at him. A false smile, one that Clark had pasted on as soon as he'd x-rayed the door and seen Lex standing there. The smile faded into puzzlement, just like the Senator's, when Lex offered him a bright, happy smile, completely unable to contain his pleasure at seeing Clark right at this moment.

"Lex?" Clark said cautiously. "Is something up?"

"I've got good news," Lex said cheerfully, still grinning like a maniac. "Can I come in?"

"…Alright," Clark said, hesitantly, and stepped back to let Lex in.

Lex went past him and went straight into the living room to sit on the couch. It was a couple years old, a hand-me-down from Lex when Lex just happened to be refurnishing his penthouse at the same time that Clark was moving in to this apartment. Lex had good memories of this couch- both their first kiss and their first fuck had been on this couch- and while Lex usually avoided it for just that very reason, right now he felt like indulging good memories. If he did this right, they might even make another one tonight.

"Lex, what's going on? You usually don't come here," Clark said, coming into the living room after him. He avoided the couch like the plague, and instead wandered into his bedroom and came back out pulling a shirt over his head. Having all that golden skin stretched over defined muscles helped Lex's composure some, but the sleeveless black shirt had a high collar that framed Clark's throat and was so tight that it molded lovingly to Clark's every curve and angle. Club clothes, and Lex really, really, really hoped that Clark wouldn't be going out after this conversation.

He took a deep breath, for extra courage, and said all in a rush, "I was asked to run for Mayor today."

Slowly any hint of animation bled out of Clark's face, and his voice was wooden when he said, simply, "Oh." His hand came up to run through his hair, completely fucking up the expensive-looking hairstyle he'd had. Messing with his hair was a nervous habit that Clark was never, ever going to get over, and Lex didn't realize how much he'd missed it until just now, when he was remembering just how much Clark never lost even that much control in front of him. "Um. So when does the campaign start?" Clark's smile was more obviously false than any before it, the cracks in his happy little mask showing, his practiced ability to lie blown to bits by Lex's news.

Considering everything that had transpired between the two of them over the last year, it probably shouldn't have been that much of a surprise that he had to force the words past a constricted throat. "That's the thing, Clark. I turned it down."

Clark stared at him for a long moment, then just turned away. One simple movement that seemed terribly final, and Lex peered anxiously at his shoulders, which started to shake. Was Clark _crying?_

Clark turned back and there weren't any tears in his eyes, but there was a strange desperation in his eyes a manic grin on his face. "Very funny, Lex. Come on, you can tell me. It's not like I can't keep secrets."

Lex hadn't even considered that Clark wouldn't believe him. "Clark, I'm not running."

"I've heard about the other guy," Clark said, not hearing Lex or just not heeding him. "The _Planet_ ran a feature on him. He's a mealy-mouthed little twit- the mayor's seat is as good as yours, you know."

"Clark!" Lex snapped out, and then waited till those bright, unhappy eyes focused on him. He gentled his voice and said, "Clark, I'm really not running. I turned them down. I'm out of politics."

Clark stared at him. "Lex, why are you doing this?"

Lex blinked. "Doing what, talking to you?"

"No!" Clark said. "Why are you telling me this? Why did you tell them no? What's going on?"

And suddenly Clark looked so lost, so young and small and broken and Lex was up from his seat on the couch and in front of Clark in two short strides. Clark didn't flinch away from him this time, and Lex wrapped his hands as far around Clark's biceps as they could go, grounding him and keeping him from flying apart.

"Clark. I told them no because I just- I realized that I couldn't do it. That I'd been all wrong. And I came here to tell you because I hoped that you'd want to hear it."

"How could you think that?" Clark whispered, not looking at him. Looking at anything but him, and seeing nothing at all. "How could you think that this was good news?"

Lex flinched this time, but didn't let go of Clark's arms. Quite. "I just thought that maybe-"

Clark kept going like he hadn't even heard Lex, and he probably hadn't. "So you decided that you didn't want it after all. And that everything I've- All this time, you-" Clark stopped, his throat working. "You're telling me that it was all for _nothing?_" Clark laughed harshly, his head hanging down till his forehead almost touched Lex's, but there was nothing intimate about the gesture, just total despair. "Was it even _real?_ Or did you just want to get rid of me?"

God, Lex could walk outside right now and get killed by a mugger and he'd _deserve_ it from what he'd done to Clark. But he can't leave like this, can't leave because he has to fix this. Whatever it takes. Even telling the truth that he doesn't he even like to _think_ about, much less admit to anyone. Even Clark.

"No, Clark, no. It wasn't like that at all. I swear." Any more words and he'd be babbling, Lex thought, disgusted with himself. Where was his much-vaunted smooth tongue when he needed it, huh?

Clark looked back up at him, and there were the tears. Christ, Lex hated himself right then. "Then what was it like?" Clark asked, his voice down to almost nothing. "Please, Lex. I need to know."

And if there'd been a shred of hesitation before it was gone now. Christ, Lex would do anything for this man. Anything. "I was afraid," he said intensely, staring straight into Clark's gorgeous tear-blurred green eyes. He had to get Clark to understand this. He had to.

"Of what?" Clark asked, actually listening to him now. Thank Christ. Maybe this had a chance after all.

"Of me, of you, of the whole damn thing," Lex said. "I didn't know what I was doing. I sure as hell didn't know what _we_ were doing. It was all so simple, and I just knew that it was going to come crashing down, and so I latched onto the first reason that crossed my head and fucked it up before life could fuck me over."

Clark went stone-still in his grip. "Didn't you trust me?"

Oh, fuck. Fuck, Lex was the worst person on the face of the Earth. He was going to go straight to hell, but not before he fixed this. If he could. "It wasn't you that I didn't trust," Lex said, trying to force the truth of his words directly into Clark's brain with everything he had, as if that could make a difference. "It was me. Everything always goes wrong when it's me, and you were the last good thing I had left, and I-" He paused, almost choked, but he had to say it. "I'd never been in love with anyone before."

Clark stood absolutely still for a long moment, staring into his eyes as if trying to ascertain his sincerity, and Lex stared back, trying to show what he felt in his eyes. He didn't know how successful he was, but Clark abruptly relaxed, muscles strong enough to shatter concrete going lax in his grip, and Clark just… _leaned_ into him, and rested his forehead against Lex's.

Lex leaned back, pressing his forehead against Clark's, their oldest gesture of affection and comfort. When Lionel had died, Clark found him after the funeral and just held him, pressing their foreheads together, and Lex had found himself backing away from the edge of incipient mental breakdown. It was three months later when Clark had given him that first, perfect kiss.

Clark's arms came up around him, lightly encircling his shoulders, and Lex took the invitation for all it was worth and pressed hard against Clark, wrapping himself around that long body that he'd been so afraid that he'd never feel again. Clark hugged him tight and sighed, resting his chin on the top of Lex's skull, and Lex felt himself melting into Clark's embrace. The unnatural heat that Clark always projected seeped into his bones, and he buried his face in the hollow of Clark's throat, closing his eyes tight to fight back tears, and feeling them seep out anyway and wet the collar of Clark's shirt.

"God, Lex," Clark said on an exhale, and his warm breath brushed across Lex's scalp. "You never could do anything the easy way, could you?"

Lex found himself choking on a laugh, and Clark gently eased back so that he could look him in the eye. "You're back for real this time, aren't you? No more doing a runner just because you panic?"

"Fuck, no," Lex said fervently. "I can't imagine ever doing this last year over again, no matter how bad things get."

A shadow crossed Clark's face. "I can't agree more," he said softly, and suddenly Lex remembered why he'd come here. To tell Clark, to be with Clark, but also to make Clark better. And here he was, being comforted, drawing on Clark's strength when it was so clear that he had so very little left to give.

Lex touched Clark's cheek, where the bone was a little more visible than it should be. "I can never make up for what I've put you through, can I?" he asked sadly. "I ruined things so badly, and now I just can't fix it."

Clark caught Lex's hand with his, and turned his cheek into his palm, closing his eyes for a moment. Then he turned his face, kissed Lex's palm, and pulled away from the touch.

He didn't let go of Lex's hand, though, and instead tugged him gently over to the couch. _Their_ couch, and when Lex collapsed gratefully onto the familiar cushions Clark sat next to him and pulled him close. Clark arranged them so that Lex was tucked under Clark's arm, resting against his chest, surrounded by heat and comfort and _Clark_

Lex took a deep breath, and let it out on a sigh. He wasn't sure what to say, or do, next. Obviously Clark had forgiven him, but he had no clue what the next step should be. Clark had always been the one who knew what to do with their relationship, and without his guidance Lex felt lost.

Clark's arm tightened around him briefly in a half-hug. "You don't need to fix anything," he whispered through a kiss to the top of Lex's head. "You just have to be here. I love you. That's all I need."

Oh, _God._ Lex turned in Clark's arms, suddenly frantic, and pressed his lips to that perfect, lush mouth that he'd had fantasies about for _years_ before ever tasting it, and Christ, Clark tasted the same. Lex moaned, the sound muffled by Clark's tongue, and started going for skin- running his hands down those muscled arms, pushing up the shirt so that he could touch perfect abs and scratch at Clark's nipples. Clark suddenly grabbed him and rolled him in a maneuver that _must_ have included floating, and Lex was flat on his back on the couch, Clark ripping open his shirt and pants without bothering to undo the fastenings. Lex scrabbled at Clark's fly and managed to get the tiny hidden zipper down, then peeled the leather back when Clark's cock sprung out and slapped into his hand.

Lex gave him a few hard jerks then stilled. "Lube?" he managed to get out, and Clark just shook his head.

"Too long," he said. "Save it for the next round."

Lex wanted to indulge in his inner joy- _next time!_- but it was really fucking hard to think, not pun intended, when Clark had knocked his hand away and lowered his hips till their cocks were rubbing together, slick and wet with precum. Lex choked on a moan as Clark got one big hand down between them and started jerking them both off in perfect tandem, and all Lex could do was wrap his hands around that leather-clad, perfect ass and try not to scream when Clark twisted his hand and bit at the pulse point of his throat at the same time. He'd forgotten, oh _Christ_ how could he have forgotten how good it good be, how good it always was with Clark, Clark his best friend, Clark who loved him, Clark who was his fucking everything-

"I love you," he choked out, and came.

Clark moaned, lips pressed against his throat, and came with a shudder and a sigh, silent as always. Lex remembered, God how he remembered, the way that Clark only lost himself enough to say anything when he was at extremis, losing complete control. Lex wanted to take him there, do it again and again, but right now he just wanted to lie there, soaking in the feel of Clark's arms around him and Clark's mouth on his neck and then kissing him, because it was _perfect._ So fucking perfect, and he was never, ever going to lose this again. No matter what happened. He didn't think he could survive without Clark, and he wasn't going to try and find out.

"We should get up and get cleaned off," Lex said, his voice coming out slow and drugged. Clark muttered something and then stripped off his t-shirt, using it as a makeshift towel to wipe them down and then zipped them both back up before collapsing back against the couch, on his back with Lex held sprawled against his chest.

"Clark?" Lex asked. Clark grunted and opened one eye inquiringly.

"Yeah?"

"Do you really love me?"

"Absolutely," Clark said. "I love you. I always will. But right now, I want to go to sleep." His eye closed again.

Lex considered getting them up and into the bedroom, which would probably be more comfortable, but then again this was _their_ couch and it was where they'd fallen asleep after their very first time, and Lex didn't want to break tradition. Also, Clark was falling asleep already, and Lex had caused him to lose enough sleep over the last year.

He leaned down, pressed a kiss to Clark's forehead, and smiled at the sleepy murmur. Clark tightened his embrace, pulling Lex a little closer, and then seemed to relax completely into sleep. Lex sighed, rested his head on Clark's chest, and closed his eyes. Everything else could wait but this.

Love was like that.


End file.
